21 Secrets People Who Date Vegans Won’t Tell You
Look, we like you, but enough with the fucking kale already.
1. When you first find out that your hot date is vegan, it can come as a bit of a shock.
Mainly because you thought all vegans wear tie-dyed clothes and live in illegal treetop protest camps, but your date looks normal. Attractive, even.
2. Early in the relationship you find yourself trying things you wouldn’t normally touch with a bargepole.
And lying about your reaction to it because you fancy them. “YUM YES TOFU FOR BREAKFAST IS DEFINITELY AS GOOD AS BACON THANKS u r so cute.”
3. You’ve faced serious dinner disappointment at least once as well, and tried to be polite.
Kale is the work of the devil.
4. But as soon as the honeymoon period wears off, you start saying exactly what you think.
“Shall we have quinoa and chickpea surprise for dinner?” “Urrrgh no why.”
5. It takes way longer to get used to their appalling farts than it takes to get used to their taste in food.
Why do innocent pulses, soybeans, and vegetables turn into such a toxic broth?
6. You’re forced to invent truly weird post-sex snacks based on what you can find in their cupboards at 2am.
“I want crisps, Greg. CRISPS. Not a peanut butter and agave syrup wrap.”
7. In fact, you often find their idea of what constitutes a tasty treat totally baffling.
And wondered if vegans have actually evolved different taste buds to other types of people. “Are you seriously just eating a big bowl of peas and sweetcorn? For fun?”
8. But eventually vegan food does start to grow on you, and you bore everyone you know with recipes.
Tbh this is mainly to try to make your sex partner seem a bit more normal to your friends. So you don’t tell them about nutritional yeast.
9. But despite that, meat-eating friends almost never invite you round for dinner as a couple.
You’ve given them ideas, but they just don’t seem to know what to cook for your other half. So you end up having people over way more.
10. You feel sorry for your S.O. at parties and barbecues.
“Oh, we forgot you were bringing Brian. I hope he likes vegetable skewers that are mostly hunks of raw red onion, and houmous that’s been sitting in the sun!”
11. It’s great when you first find a vegan product that you really, genuinely like.
And you get in trouble for stealing it, because it costs £5.99 and you can only get it from this one weird shop on the other side of town run by a man called Gandalf.
12. You also discover that loads of foods you already like are actually vegan. Who knew?
So you stock up on Oreos, Jammie Dodgers, chocolate bourbon biscuits, Skittles, and dark chocolate as treats for bae. Then accidentally eat them all yourself.
13. Despite admiring your boo’s principles, there are some foods you can’t, and won’t, get on board with.
Vegans, FYI, you simply can’t make bacon out of wheat, or cheese out of potatoes. Please stop trying.
14. You end up learning shit that you really don’t want to know, like the fact “free-range” isn’t really free.
Turns out it just means the chickens are crammed into a big metal barn. So you end up skint because you start buying those eggs that cost £9.99 from hens that live in Highgrove House and get hugged by Prince Charles once a day.
15. You feel a twinge of guilt whenever you eat something that they can’t have in front of them.
Even if they say they don’t mind. It’s like you’re basically rubbing your gooey, meaty, creamy delights right in their face. And not in a good way.
16. Unless you’re a bit drunk, then you just wave bits of cheese at them: “LOL YOU CAN’T HAVE THIS!”
Full disclosure: This is not great for your relationship.
17. You’ve ~probably~ made the occasional attempt at becoming vegan if you’re in a long-term relationship.
Mainly because you know all the recipes, products, and facts. But you fail after about a day, because of cheese. Sweet, delicious cheese.
18. You can’t escape the inevitable arguments about which restaurant to go to.
“OMG they just opened a new vegan raw food organic juice caf…” “No, Greg.”
19. You can’t quite resist taking the piss out of them for not eating honey either.
Because bees are just fucking bees and it’s not like you’re eating the bees, just borrowing their stuff FFS.
20. But you get offended on their behalf if anyone else is cheeky to them. After all, that’s your job.
“HOW DARE YOU JOKE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND LIVES ON MUD AND TWIGS, MARSHA. TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW SO HELP ME GOD.”
21. At the end of the day, you admire their beliefs and conviction and wouldn’t change them for the world.
Apart from their addiction to shit like kale. Stop eating kale. Stop making us eat kale. Just no.